I'll Google You

As I sat on my sore behind, I reached for my lap top feeling the pulse in both my head and ass at the same time. There is nothing fun about a tranquilizer dart hang over. I tried and tried to log into Ultimate Bet tonight and I couldn’t, As soon as I logged in the transfer would go quickly up to 99% and stall. Stall at 99% complete. How frustrating is that , at least at 20% you would figure no hope tonight for what ever internet or site reason. But 99% done and no completion just feels most females chimps in spring, or at least they tell me.  So I typed in Google search ub 99% and Google asked me Did you mean pub 99%.  I going there now. Turns out it is some pub in New England with a kids menu. I just tried UB again, I think I entered the wrong pass word before. Ok I’ll play a sng and get back to you and remember New England is where the alcoholic kids go to eat.
This is not helping my focus but I googled every name on the table to see what I could see. Some had already gone but to my left was Puttertat. From my research she makes art with eggs and writes about breast feeding . Mong Girl is likely from the mountains in Vietnam. Fizzled is done, Will Blake wrote some killer poems and made some strange etchings about 250 year ago and kangax5 raises from my right a little too much for my liking.  I used all of this to engage them in talking, “Mong Girl you want some happy water. Puttertat hows the lactating”, but to no use. No ones talking tonight.  what is a chimp with a short attention span to do. Oh I might be doing a bit of work for Big Slick Poker more about that down the road. ( Not sure how a caged primate can help them but I’ll try.)

What's the Chances of that Happening or the Great Bluff

I was playing a 25 cent sng when a fine fellow suggested I use my gun to escape the petting zoo.
His name is chiptaker28 and like I said seems to be a very nice and very unlucky. I said it had never occurred to me because I don’t have bullets and to be honest other then holding it up like the asshole who shot me with a tranquilizer gun when I was a baby, I have no idea what I am doing. Chiptaker says bluff em. Man it was a pure poker play why didn't I think of that?. Well sure enough I tried. I paid off Mr wrinkles to look scared when I took him hostage, I had to steal a push scooter from some kid too close to the bars so Mr. Wrinkles would  do it.  Little did I know the kid was from a Shriners  group. The little boy starts yelling and the zoo guard comes running along with an old guy in a fez, sturdy shoes and from a tiny car.  I got Mr. Wrinkles by the back of the hair and he's crying and screaming up a storm. I am waving the gun around at Mr  Wrinkles and at the boys who is crying and shaking also. The guard slowly lets the cage open and I walk back to the Shriner’s tiny car parked on the edge or the petting zoo’s walk.  I am dragging Mr Wrinkles who is dragging the lads scooter. I am thinking this is going work,  the bluff is working.  Just then the boys makes a grab for his scooter, Mr. Wrinkles twists free and rides the two wheeler away, chirping and squealing with delight. The gun which was in my hand gets flung into the air, lands on a rock  and goes off. Apparently it shoots little flying monkey’s from the wizard of Oz. ( Go figure). The little plastic monkey hits the guard in the eye, he trips into the Shriner, whose fez  flies from his head and lands on mine.  I jump into the tiny car sporting the Fez on a rakish angle and hit the gas.  Racing away towards the back lot I hit a banana peel , spin the car out, hit a barrier , fly through the air, land butt in the air in my own cage and before I can move , the guard shots me in the ass with a dart making me pass out just like when I was a baby in the jungle.  What’s the odds of that happening. Well I guess about the same for losing an other sng to a two outer. ( only one of two tens left hit the river). I will mention it every time it happens ,cause it feels like a lot and the chances shouldn’t be that I end up back in my own cage shot in ass every single night no?

No Focus, none, oh oh Wrinkles has a bag of nuts, gosh I like boats

I can’t keep my focus. Alright no discipline either but no focus. I write , look at boat plans, dream  of rivers trips on sunny days and just getting some. I’ll play poker to escape the zoo and I do for a while throwing everything I have at it until a theory on how to breed good eating ants is passed to me through the bars from a helpful rhesus monkey. Then I am off to breed ants for some time. Now poker, boats, music, and just getting some have always come back to my area of interest, but how can I focus long enough to excel at say POKER!. I think the discipline is , no wait I am just going to trace out the lines of the hull of a 16 ft catamaran on the cage floor, see the cabin, ack discipline I can bring maybe but the focus? The focus is why I have a discipline issue. I will resolve to find some ways to sharpen my focus try them and tell you the results. Oh only free rolls tonight on Full Tilt cause I feel loopy and Mr Wrinkles is throws nuts at some old guy with a cane.  Well here's nuts in yer eye.

A Discipline of Lists

I missed a day In blog world but not in poker. Yesterday I lost a 25 cent 10 player sng in about 8th place to quad sixes. I blowed up real nice up at about 300th in 7000 player free roll which only paid at 18th.   I am writing between hands in a sng right now. See no discipline. None. Can you buy discipline, not the kind that old English guys like, but a real back bone. I am at a disadvantage in being a chimp but still there must be some where I can get some. I some times wonder what the personified image of discipline or at least poker discipline would look like. I also wonder if it would be called chimpified but I digress. Does poker discipline look like
1.An aging Princess Diana in a shinny black leather apron and pearls
2. A demonic ghoul dripping blood soaked-chains
3.An accountant from any tax service
4.A bowl of veggies holding a deep fried bit of meat under a pillow
5.A Protestant minister with wire framed glasses and a wire framed body and a copper wire whip
6.A dish of grapes refusing to ferment
7.A pack of smokes swimming
8.Pirates picking out the subtle earrings from the treasure chest
9.Not me cause I just placed second in the sng while writing this and drinking fermented sugar and fruit juice. Something I said three days ago I wouldn't do. ... though both days winners.
10.Mr. Wrinkles seeing a pretty flock or insane costume and leaving it be.
 Not The blog list you were excepting . Me neither but then again I need to address this discipline problem first and I still don't know what it looks like. Oh two days still at 22% win and around 2.5 bucks.

All Dressed up for Booze Week

I played one small sng today and placed second. Two and a half bucks and 22% win rate. Stop while your a head, log out then have a cocktail.  I have been thinking about my list that I have been promising to make. Bankroll will be on  it, disciple as well, player categories, betting styles, if you have any ideas let me know as well for any subjects I should bring up. Mr Wrinkles and I have been visiting as many of the other animals as we could, the ones who we could manage to sneak into their enclosures mostly. We have been drinking  with the elephants, eating with the bears and seducing the lemurs non stop since the morning. His dress is stained, I as always look smashing but I am hammered and dead tired.  Oooo no playing drunk on the list too. I had the discipline to play , win and blog log on the 25th.  It is short but I am proud. I am also going.bg.........,zsrent;lzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Happy Booze Week

I am not sure what you humans want or why but I think this week has some thing  to do with sitting on the lap of your God of luck and wishing for booze and a decent hand? Any way here is a card Mr Wrinkles and I made for you. I will be posting my first Blog List soon. Again happy booze week.

The New Start

Ok when I first started in this endeavour about (playing poker online not this blog) five years ago, I put a initial deposit into a poker site and played. I lost and won. I was thinking then if I could make enough to make to party with all would be good. If I lost what I put in fine but I would never risk any more. In fact over the years I bought a many goodies, paid bills, did dinners, night outs on me for the gang, most of this was pre-Bush poker laws and  Net-teller still worked and the fish at the tables were huge in numbers. I even bought some gold bobbles which I wear to this day and which are worth about four times my original and only buy in. Ok what ever right. Well I am at about one buck left and even thought I have made and spend a nice chuck of change over the years I will not re-buy. This means my bankroll of about a buck makes a nice weird way of gauging weather I can be a winning player again. My only income is what I make and free-rolls. Freedom Chimp 55 will not be at the cost of the gold treats that cards have already bought me.  Er  while I was writing this I just placed first in a 25 cent sng. Yay I made 75 cents in pure profit and almost double my bank roll. Boo I must concentrate on the task at hand if I am to get my old win rate back and re-climb the ranks to escape this zoo and Mr Wrinkles.   Ok my roll now stands at about two bucks and a 22% win rate. I will  try and keep you abreast of these numbers. The goal is to either get back to Aruba for the second time ( and this time place in the money) or make enough to buy a cheap boat I take take Mr Wrinkles for a sail in on occasion. ( I may be the only chimp who has his White Sails Two).  The way I see it , if I never buy in again I am a profitable poker player, only my money per hour rate goes down if I don't cash.... it still stays positive. I am hoping for better though. Tomorrow  a list of dos and don'ts for CaptnPoppy and his tiny bank roll. I read somewhere that blog writers should write a lot of lists. So tomorrow I shall.

A Moment of Serenity

Sometimes you need to take a break from cards and chill. Peace out from CaptnPoppy and Mr.Wrinkles

Bad Chimp

I got up this morning and stepped over Mr Wrinkles and his collection of  half smoke cigarette buts. I looked down at him. He was asleep in his stained dress and bonnet. He was wheezing like one of those 60 something ladies who have maintained their 95 lb. figures through heavy smoking.  Why do they all wear turbans by the way? I kick him lightly in the ass and he softly squeaked in his sleep which made me giggle. ( good choice) I found my breakfast left at front of our cage, I ate it. (good choice). I found Mr Wrinkle's breakfast near the same spot as mine, I ate it. (good choice).  I choose a jaunty pant suit and top hat number to wear and gather extra treats from a appreciative if some what moronic crowd of zoo humans. (good choice). I performed a ventriloquist act using the sleeping Mr. Wrinkles as my dummy. (good choice) It kills and not only do I score huge treat numbers, an agent from Toronto , and more importantly with connections to New York , begins to make some calls from his cell phone and I over hear the zoo might sell me to him and I could be out of this dump forever. (excellent choice)  In celebration I poke the agent in the eye with a long stick I found in the enclosure then realizing what I have just done I get sick to my stomach and projectile vomit all over the now temporally blinded  agent who is rolling on the ground near the bars of the cage. (Bad choice) I loose everything I had worked so hard for and was lucky enough to get this morning.  One mistake doesn't always equal one step backward. It is the same in poker tournaments. All day, all week and all month working hard and getting lucky and making great decisions can be shot dead with one single moment of bad luck or a single stupid decision.

Lets just say today at the poker tables I for no reason, that I can think of,  blinded my agent with a pointy stick and then lost my lunch in his pocket. I now am whisper above free-rolling again and should I not get very lucky that is exactly where I will be. Soon you and I will talk about bankroll management.  Mostly for my benefit but your welcome to come along. In fact I encourage you to help with suggestions and comments as well. I mean I 'm a chimp, I'm not proud. I understand the numbers but seem unwilling to abide by them. I never use my own money but I do begin to wonder if I had taken all the time spent trying to win the money to escape and had just dug a tunnel with a chopstick if I might not be out already.

Never Let a Monkey Do a Chimps Work

The poker2nite main event was on tonight at Ultimate Bet and I made it into the tourney by fighting through 7000 players last week..  It was all on at 1600 eastern time but the petting zoo was opening a  Christmas show .....at 1600 eastern time And I had to be in it. I opened the show with a cattle prod to my back and smiled fer the kids.  I had to let Mr. Wrinkles the monkey (my roommate here) play for me until I got back. He busted out in three hands in with A 9  off all in against  a K J off. The jack flopped I heard. I can only assume Mr KJ was also a dumb assed  monkey sporting a bubble pipe and tiny dress, drunk on power and the opportunity to touch shiny buttons.  All my hard work was for not and strangely enough there was in that moment of time,  in that one tournament, there on line,  two tiny dancer monkeys playing in the same hand together. What are the odds.  I would have taken a bet for not likely  if I was a gambling chimp, normally, I prefer poker. Monkeys is crazy dress wearing all in freaks!

Having friends makes you money in poker

 

I need friends cause I need money. As always to get out of this petting zoo. Before I was caught the last time, I was living free and woolly in LA . A bunch of us chimps who had escaped from labs and/or to old to work the cute monkey angle at the agencies anymore got together and squatted an old sunglasses and flip flop shack near Venice Beach. Freaky Eddie the Chimp in front with the short hair got us all helper monkey vests from his old work so we could walk the streets and not raise to much suspicion, though we normally don't go out together much as a single group. I was trying to collect money from a producer of a show I had shot in Canada called The Snow Back Gorillas ( it was a concept show where every-role was a tiny three line support character). Any way the producer was freaked to find out that a Canadian chimp found him back in LA and was looking for his car payment sized check for the weeks shoot. The producer refused to pay up and after I bit his cat said he would call emigration. I said I was a freaking chimp. What Gommer has the S.P.C.A. on speed dial? I boot it. I told my boys ( see picture) about what had gone down and didn't they form a posse. Two hours later they had come back with over a grand, at least four payments on my Aveo. The thing here is they went to the wrong house, In fact they went to the wrong county. Then it hit me, I don't need a bill to collect, a job, inventory, an original idea, or a solid business plan to get cash, I just need friends. Unfortunately we each used the money to get hammered, lay Lady Gaga, unsuccessfully try to torch Never Never-land, bitch slap Zac Efron in the slow eye, and make love to a shoe. The weirdest thing is that there was no plan, and we all did the exact same things with out knowing what each of the other was doing. Odder still I was the only one caught. Zac clued in something was odd by the time chimp six was beating him in the eye I guess and called the animal control pasties.  I believe Lady Gaga was controlling the entire evening some how.( I'll talk more about that later)

So now I am stuck and I need a friend to make money with in online poker. Here's how it works. If you have played on online poker before you know what refer a friend is. If you haven't let me explain. You send me an email saying we is friends or what ever ( what I need is your email address really) and I'll send you an email back inviting you to join a site say Ultimate bet or Full-Tilt. If you down load the software from my email link and deposit the min amount (normally about 25 or 50 bucks) then you will be given into your account that 25 or 50 dollars more then you deposited- you deposit 25 dollars and you get 50 dollars in your account - (It takes a little playing time to get it). Double your money if you can even just break even at the tables or better still extra free money if you are up after a few hours at the table. I of course make a bonus for referring you. We both make cash for playing and if we play good this is extra cash above the amount we are winning. So send me your email with the subject line “lets be friends, refer me”. And I will. There are some other ways to make a little more at and around the tables and we shall talk about them later.

Freakin Freerolls

 














 Freerolls, the cheapest way to get started, it costs you nothing right? Five Hours, 10,000 people and you fight your way to 150 players left, but the pay out starts at 100 players and the pay out here is only 50 cents. You need to double up because now because you only have ten times the big Blind. You push and get called, you race and you lose. I have to do free-rolls to start my bank roll, I'm a monkey but if I wasn't, I would get a job for five hours despot half into a cash account and even have some cash in hand. Here is want I want you to do, take five hours and set up a domino track thing, you know push one down and they all fall. Five hours no break as fast as you can, if you are not fast enough you will have to stop and flip a coin. Heads you win and get the chance to keep building. Tails you lose and are asked to leave the room while a toddler and fishy smelling cat are left on their own with your domino creation, door closed. As the hours progress you must work quicker and build even faster never knocking down the creation or going so slow that you will be asked to flip the coin. Finally after the five hours some how you made it. Now stand back, cause heads you get fifty cents or tails you leave with nothing and don't even get to watch it crumble. Freerolls baby and lady luck is tipsy crossed eyed toddler on a fat 18 year old cat who is leaking pee over your shoes on the way pass to destroy your seminal piece of art work.

By the way while you were doing this some knob made 50 bucks in those five hours and put 25 into an cash account. He doesn't know how to play but it doesn't matter, he is up 25 cash in hand for the day, some shark is up 25 cash in acount and you get to clean a litter box. If I wasn't a chimp in a zoo ( if you can even call this place a zoo) I'd pick up cans , cash them in and open an account, it be quicker. You play for the love of it, I'm trying to get out of this dump.

Why I hate Ace Rag

Here is why I hate ace rag ... it's like road kill. You know you must not eat it even though there is a chance of some other worldly delights because sometimes it is true that the little bit of brains baked in the sun can be sweet and taste as heaven might if it was eatable in nature; however, most of the time you just get violently sick and then caught and then re zooed or worst still in your sickness you are dropped off at a wildlife refuge. There they watch your every living moment and wants hugs and warm snuggles and give you pet cats which taste oddly fishy. Still you only remember the good times when the brains tasted good and you didn't get sick. ( no where near as much as the times you get sick and are forced to eat kittens out of boredom)

As well you never know where you are in the hand involving top pair. Kicker issues am I right? Imagine or remember (as it as happen to all of us) the time when you were walking down the middle of a jungle path and there was in front of you a bad assessed cranky baboon. Remember? He looks the same size as you, maybe even a little smaller. He wants you to get out his way! He seems blind in one eye and might be limping but it is hard to tell because you had just finished flinging something special at a passing eco tourist when the wind back-drafted some of your gift into the bottom part of your own eyes. Which is to say right now its kind of hard to see the bottom half of your world. Still with out all the information available you feel pretty friggin alpha and roar at the baboon. He looks puzzled and perhaps maybe scared , yes scared for sure. You provide a noble gesture and spit at his face. Before you can laugh and before you began to take the step forward knowing full well he is now backing away into the bush, the baboon spins and jumps into the air revealing his huge ass which is now above you, in your narrow line of sight, and rapidly descending towards your already infected eyes. Bam, your out, unconscious on jungle mat with a baboon laughing his huge ass off and that eco-tourist is filming the whole thing on their cell phone for u tube. That's why I hate ace rag cause it will make you sick as road kill and smell like a friggin baboons ass.

Hello Dear Dear Freinds

My name is CaptnPoppy. I did not name myself. My knowledge of the English language and typing is self taught and comes out of being taught sign language as a young primate. I am a chimp who is playing poker for my life by God. You see I am in this insane petting zoo north of the New Brunswick border in Canada somewhere and I cannot seem to locate exactly where yet, but it is frigging cold here and the food is rank. I have posed as a fancy zoo in Prague who is willing to buy me, using email as a form of contact. ( An old lap top was left in my hovel by mistake, more on that in an other entry). But I have to raise the money and find some one willing to portray a eastern European zookeeper when I have secured enough cash for my own sale.

Today I made a little progress but not much. I have started my bankroll from free-rolls on Ultimate Bet and have hammered my way up to twelve dollars or so. But today two outers kept sucking out on me and turded up my profit margin. I find it is best to sometimes have a flinging break to unwind. Oh some school kids came by on tour today right after I busted out of the 500gd one dollar when some chump caught one of his two tens on the river. So I bit the tip of some little lads finger off. Bad monkey, I know but, It was just a tip and he poked me and I had just lost to a two outer. Frigging cattle prod. Frigging petting Zoo owner with his prodding ways. Frigging two outers.
Until tomorrow and remember SAVE THE MONKEY